5
Question Interview with Heiner Eden
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Heiner Eden, Looking for Escape Route |
So … Heiner, thanks for showing up on Zané’s blog. (Of course, you don't have much choice, since I'm holding you captive.) Zané doesn’t speak much German, so she sent me to ask you fünf Fragen (5 Questions).
BTW, Ich spreche kein Deutsch, so I’ll be using Google Übersetzer (Google Translate).
This Pulpcore Anthology of yours looks im
Arsch (does im Arsh really mean fucked up?) Eighteen
sick stories by eighteen twisted writers (including Blauer Engel by Zané Sachs), and the anthology is
FREI (FREE)! Genial! (Awesome!)
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Really Sick Stories |
You’ve
got to be shitting me, Heiner. Does Herunterladen mean download,
or is that really some deviant sexual act?
You can answer, oder treffen Sie mich später (meet me later), but offiziell (officially)
that’s not your first question. Okay, hier gehen wirhere (Okay, here we go).
SADIE: Frage Nummer
eins (Question
#1): Okay, you live in
Germany, so you decided to publish Pulpcore in Deutsch. But, isn’t that selfish?
Why not publish in Yupik? A lot of readers in Siberia and Western Alaska are
going to be sadly disappointed. Was zum Teufel?
Note: How can was zum Teufel
mean what the fuck, when im Arsch means fucked up? Fick Dich (fuck you), Google Translate.
HEINER: Ich
muss zu meiner Schande gestehen, dass ich bis vor zehn Minuten keine Ahnung
hatte, was Yupik überhaupt bedeutet. (I must confess to my shame that I had no idea until ten
minutes, which means Yupik ever.)
SADIE: “Which means Yupik ever?” Really Google Translate? My German sucks, but I
think Heiner is trying to say that he never heard of Yapik until ten minutes
ago. A sad commentary on the state of post-Brexit Europe (where half the people
in the UK Googled the EU after voting to get out of it—kinda like disgruntled
teenagers slitting their own wrists and then wondering why they’re bleeding)—
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Sadie Says: Use a Chainsaw |
… and an indication of
why a fick dick like Donald Trump is
running for U.S. President. I doubt “The Donald” considers Alaska a state, and
I’m pretty sure he lumps native Alaskans in with foreigners. Anyway … back to
Yupik—
HEINER:
Aber nun, da ich mich
schlau gemacht habe (but now that I have made smart) vielen Dank, www.alaskool.org).
SADIE:
Thanks, Heiner, a most informative site. Come to think of it, Alaska must be a
great place to store bodies, especially in winter.
HEINER:
"Es ist Zeit, Robbenspeck zu holen!",
oder "Uqicitaaryarnariuq!", wie wir es in Yupik sagen.
(It's time to bring seal blubber!) or Uqicitaaryarnariuq! (As we
say it in Yupik). Would you loosen these handcuffs.
SADIE: NO! But, I'm in agreement with you, regarding blubber. I’m sure it's terrific for frying. Currently, I’m working
on a recipe that features deep-fried politicians instead of turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, which
may explain Trump’s popularity in Alaska and the importance of offering a Yupik
edition of Pulpcore.
HEINER:
Ja. Steht eine
Yupik-Version von pulpcore natürlich ganz oben auf meiner To-Do-Liste. Wer
weiß, vielleicht ist das genau die Marktlücke, nach der ich schon mein ganzes
Leben lang gesucht habe.
SADIE:
I’m
glad to hear a Yupik version of Pulpcore
is on the top of your to-do list, and that it’s exactly the niche you’ve been longing
for all of your life.
That brings me to Frage Nummer zwei (Question #2): What is the common
thread between these stories? Süße Romantik? Tiere? Selbsthilfe? (Sweet romance?
Animals? Self-help?) Or … Blut und Verstümmelung,Perversion, und Psychokiller?
(Blood, gore and mayhem, perversion, and psycho killers?)
HEINER: Glaub
es oder nicht, Sadie, alle Stories auf pulpcore sind in ihrem Kern romantisch
durch und durch.
SADIE:
No
kidding? All the stories are romantic? Do you find this a romantic setting?
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Sadie's Living Room |
HEINER: Klar. Very romantic, Sadie. Manchmal versteckt sich die Romantik hinter einer Wand aus Nebel an düsteren,
unheimlichen Orten; manchmal in fernen Galaxien, weit, weit weg von zuhause;
manchmal (okay, meistens) unter einem Berg aus Blut, Eingeweiden und
abgetrennten Gliedmaßen.
SADIE:
For
my readers who don’t sprechen German, Heiner says, "Sure, sometimes the romance hidden behind
a wall of dark mist, eerie places, distant galaxies. Sometimes (okay, mostly) under mountains of blood, guts and
severed limbs."
That's my kind of romance, Heiner.
HEINER: Aber die Romantik ist
immer da, irgendwo, sonst würde ich die Stories nicht auf pulpcore
veröffentlichen.
In other words, without romance,
I wouldn’t publish the stories. And if you're honest, Sadie, you have to admit
that you're a hopeless romantic yourself. Am I right? Bitte vergib mir
diese schmalzige Anmache (Please
forgive me for this corny pickup line.)
SADIE: I love corny pick-ups, Heiner--especially when they're on the cob.
Frage
Nummer drei (Question #3): How
did you discover these Mutter Fall (nut-case) writers? Tell
me about these weirdos (weirdos).
HEINER: Die Autoren, die ich bisher via pulpcore kennenlernen durfte, sind
gar keine "weirdos", sondern ganz normale Typen wie du und ich
SADIE: You’re telling me the authors aren’t weirdos? Just ordinary guys like
you and me? First of all, in case you have noticed, I’m not a guy, Heiner.
HEINER: Warum Entpacken Sie Ihre Hosen?
SADIE: I’m unzipping my pants to prove a point—
HEINER: Okay, vielleicht bist du jetzt nicht gerade das beste Beispiel für ganz
normal.
SADIE: What did you say?
HEINER: I said, maybe you're not the best example of normal.
SADIE:
Like
you are?
HEINER:
Sie
sind allesamt sehr nett und komplett entspannt. Was überrascht, wenn man
sich ihre Stories auf pulpcore durchliest. Denn die sind zutiefst verstörend
und oft so triefend böse, dass ihre Verfasser eigentlich ins Gefängnis oder ins
Irrenhaus gehören.
SADIE: I don’t know was zum Teufel (what the fuck) you just said, so I used
Google Translate:
“The writers are all very nice and completely relaxed.” (Yeah, right.) “What surprised
when their stories by reading to Pulpcore. Because they are deeply disturbing and often
so dripping angry that their authors actually belong in prison or the madhouse.”
You’ve got one perverted sense of romance, Heiner.
HEINER: No comment.
SADIE: Frage Nummer vier (Question #4): You speak ficken good Englisch (English).
In fact, you translated that novel by Zané Sachs (based on my life) Sadie the Sadist
X-trem schwarzer Humor+Horror into Deutsche (German). I guess Google Translate
really came in handy, didn’t it?
HEINER: NEIN, bitch!
SADIE: No need to yell. So,
did you translate a lot of these stories from another language?
HEINER:
Erst einmal danke fürs Kompliment.
SADIE:
You’re
welcome.
HEINER:
Ich
habe sämtliche Stories auf pulpcore aus dem Englischen ins Deutsche übersetzt.
SADIE:
According
to Google Translate, you just said: I have all stories on pulpcore translated
from English into German … so, I can’t tell if you actually translated them. Do you even speak English … or do
you use Google Translate for everything?
HEINER:
Eigentlich bin ich technischer Übersetzer von Beruf, was wirklich so langweilig
ist, wie es sich anhört. Deshalb wollte ich zu meiner wahren Leidenschaft
wechseln - der Genre-Literatur.
SADIE:
(Using
Google Translate), you said: Actually, I'm a technical translator
by profession, what is really as boring as it sounds. So I wanted to go to my
true passion—the genre literature.
I get that translating horror and sci-fi stories (or
romance, as you call it) is more interesting than technical writing, but what
do you do for fun?
HEINER:
Well, my true passion is
to lie on the sofa and watch old episodes of Twilight Zone, but that pays less than my translator job. (Although,
I have to admit, translating genre literature doesn’t bring in much more money
than hanging out on the sofa.) But I prefer translating stories about things
like "body parts and guts, bits of bone and bloody puddles " to
"Blade No.14 can be fabricated integrally with Hub No. 12.”
Don’t you agree?
SADIE:
You
are one sick puppy, admit it. And that brings me to:
Frage Nummer fünf (Question #5): If you could commit any verbrechen oder
perverse acto (crime or perverse act) ohne erwischt zu werden oder bestraft
(without getting caught or being punished) was würden Sie tun? (What would you do?)
Note: READERS, what would you do?
HEINER: Mal sehen. Kennst du die Szene aus Stephen King's, The Stand, wo der Typ auf
das Schlagmal im Yankee-Stadion masturbiert?
SADIE: Stephen King and masturbation … two of my favorite subjects.
HEINER: So etwas in der Art könnte ich mir vorstellen. Vielleicht würde ich auch nur auf
den Rasen pinkeln.
SADIE: I think you said, maybe you would masturbate and pee on Yankee Stadium?
HEINER: Ich bin nicht gerade deviant und ziemlich schüchtern in dieser Hinsicht. Aber
wo wir schon einmal dabei sind, Sadie. Zum Schluss verrate ich dir mein liebstes
(deutsches) Synonym für die männliche Selbstbefriedigung: sich einen von der Palme
wedeln. Choke on that, Google Translator!
SADIE: Okay … I used Google Translate, but I really understand is: You’re not shy, and
you like to “wag one of the palm.” And, yeah, I think Google Translate is choking.
This has been an enlightening interview.
Thanks for stopping by today, Heiner. I'll loosen those handcuffs now. Sie sind ein tapferer
Mann!
And for the rest of you, pick up your FREE COPY of Pulpcore!