Saturday, January 3, 2015

Sadie Says: New Year Resolutions are B.S.

Stop staring at the mirror reflecting on the changes you intend to make to become a better, happier, more socially acceptable you. 

Does this list sound familiar?

Too fat. 
Too lazy. 
Spend too much money. 

Just Change the Year

All that crap your parents, friends, and your annoying boyfriend/girlfriend (note to self: dump his/her ass) are always pointing out.

Sadie Says: quit wasting your time with all that b.s. soul searching. Feeling guilt and shame, making resolutions that you know you'll break, only make you feel lousier. Right?

The key to happiness is going with the flow. Follow Sadie's example, and make a list of vows that you can keep! 

Sadie's Top 10 Resolutions

1. Bigger is better, so stuff yourself with Cheetos, pizza, and fried food.

2. Make a list of irritating people and invite them over for dinner. (Note: first make room in the freezer.) Then feast on steak till 2016.

3. Overspending is not a problem when you use other
people's credit cards.

4. It's easy to cut down on drinking. Switch to weed.

5. Help a nicotine addict by filling their cigarettes with gunpowder.

6. Get rid of the annoying boyfriend and invest in a good vibrator. (Guys, raw liver does the trick.)

7. Why look for another job? Just kill your boss. This will create an opening, and you'll be ready to jump in.

8. Instead of vowing to spend less time on social media, make it your business and take on multiple identities. Becoming a sock puppet allows you to scam people and leave bogus reviews.

9. Joining a gym really pays off when you case members in the locker room and follow them out into the parking lot. Working out at night is best.

10. Accept yourself just as you are. Attempting to change is a waste of time and energy, unless you score a prescription for Xanax or other fun drugs.