Wednesday, November 12, 2014

10 Reasons the Holidays Suck, and 10 Ways to Make Them Better: 
FREE Advice from Sadie the Sadist

Falalalalalah and all that crap may cheer up some people, but if you’re like me, you dread the holiday season. IMO, after Halloween it’s all downhill until we hit mid-January and everyone forgets their stupid resolutions.

I’m not a professional shrink (although I’ve seen plenty), but I’ve devised the following list of common triggers for Holiday blues—if five or more resonate with you, be sure to check my helpful antidotes.

Insane Santa

10 reasons the Holiday Season Sucks:

1.    They start advertising Christmas crap before Halloween.

2.    You’re forced to see relatives that you can’t stand.

3.    You’re expected to buy the relatives that you can’t stand expensive presents … and they never like them.

4.    Because you’re stressed, you stuff yourself and gain ten pounds.

5.    You’d like to work-off all that holiday blubber, but the gym is constantly closed.

6.    If you hear “I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus” one more time, you will commit suicide.

7.    You need a refill on your Xanax, but the pharmacy is isn't open.

8.    All those colored, blinking lights give you a headache.

9.    Criminal Minds is pre-empted by A Charlie Brown Christmas.

10. You suspect Santa is a pedophile.

10 Ways to Kill Holiday Depression:

1. Make a statement about crass holiday advertising by vandalizing holiday shoppers' cars in the Walmart parking lot. (First, be sure to check for cameras.)

2. When relatives show up, instead of stressing, take the opportunity to try some of Sadie the Sadist’s innovative recipes … a tough relative can provide a tender cut of meat.

3. Dumpster diving is a great way to save on gifts. If that fails, check out the Dollar Store. Chances are, your relatives are too dumb to know the difference.

4. Reframe your reality. For example: weight gain can be an advantage when you’re tackling victims. Also, your victims have probably put on a few pounds too, which makes them easier to catch and juicier.

5. Pursuing victims provides a great work-out. You’ll burn a lot of calories butchering bodies, dragging them around, and digging graves. (Better yet, use them when you make my recipes.)

6. Mount a loudspeaker on your car, and drive around town blasting Marilyn Manson.

7. The holidays are a great time to self-medicate. Crash a party and drink all the punch and eggnog. If you’re in my hometown, those cookies may give you a buzz, if not, visit the local dispensary.

8. Blinking lights aren’t annoying when you’re high on weed. If your state doesn’t offer legal marijuana, plan a trip to Washington or my state, Colorado.

9. Instead of spending mindless hours watching the boob-tube, make your own old-fashioned fun: bake a batch of marijuana cookies and pass them out at work; set fire to the church during candlelight service; turn that pesky boss into a hearty stew for the office potluck. Be inventive!

10. The best antidote for a pedophile Santa can be found in my book, Sadie the Sadist. I won’t describe it here, but the procedure requires a large cob of corn.

Sadie Says: Happy HorrorDaze!