The History of V.D. by Sadie the Sadist

Sadie reveals the truth:

For most of us, romance leads to torture. So it’s no wonder that Valentine’s Day was named for a Christian martyr.

A Holiday for Martyrs

Back in 269 A. D. a priest named Valentine lived in Rome, and at that time (unless you were a masochist) Rome was not a great place to be Catholic. 

Sawing: A Popular Roman Pastime

Most Romans were pagans, into partying, and orgies, and polygamy. Valentine was pushing for monogamy which pissed-off the Roman Emperor, Claudius—not only because Claudius had lots of girlfriends, boyfriends, and a slew of eunuchs, but because Romans believed single soldiers made better fighters. After all, married soldiers cared more about their families than some dumb war. Also, in my opinion, single soldiers were hornier and they took all that frustration and testosterone out on the enemy.

Romans Liked to Party

Anyway, priest Valentine ignored the emperor’s mandate about soldiers hooking up and secretly performed marriages. That really pissed off Emperor Claudius, so he ordered Valentine to be whacked. The priest was beaten, stoned, and finally decapitated. Those Romans knew entertainment, not to mention partying. They already had a mid-February fertility celebration called Lupercalia—an excuse for three days of running around naked, raucous sex, and overeating—so, years later when the Catholics took over Rome, fans of Valentine tacked his name onto that holiday.

Valentine Getting Whacked

Sadie’s V.D. Advice:

Don’t mope around waiting for some loser to give you a box of chocolates and flowers, take a tip from ancient Romans—go down to your local bar, whip it out, create a scene. V.D. means it's time to party! And remember, nothing raises the libido like severed body parts.