Advice from Sadie: 10 Signs Someone is a Lowlife Liar

I'm working on a new book:

Sadie's Guide to Catching Killers

(A Sadie Novella)

Prequel to Sadie the Sadist

The story will explore how Sadie becomes the girl we know and love. And it will include helpful advice like:

10 Signs Someone is a Low-Life Liar

They say it takes one to know one. Guess that’s why I’ve become good at detecting when someone is a lying slime bag. Here are a few tips I’ve picked up over the years. (Too bad I didn’t know this stuff when I was a kid. Might have saved me a lot of trouble.)

Note: You may also find this information useful if, like me, you’re working to improve your dissimulation skills.

     1. You ask a question, and the liar repeats your question using your exact words, giving himself more time to concoct his story. For example, I ask my father: Did you kill my mother? He says: Did I kill your mother? (Thinking, thinking, thinking.) No, Sadie. I did not kill your mother. (Zero points for creativity, Dad.)

  2. Notice the use of did not instead of didn’t, giving the denial extra emphasis. That’s called non-contracted denial, another clue that my father is a lying scumbag. My rule of thumb: No Contractions=Contradictions=BS.

  3. If you confront the dirty dog with what you believe may be a lie and he starts panting heavily or his breathing gets shallow, don’t trust him as far as you can throw a stick. (Sweating doesn’t prove he’s lying. He may just be nervous or forgot his antiperspirant.)

  4. Liars frequently use euphemisms, filtering harsh reality through a soft focus lens. I would never hurt your mother (a gentler word than kill); I borrowed (embezzled) the money; I think you may belong in a correctional facility, Daddy Dearest (MAY YOU ROT IN HELL, SCUM BUCKET).

  5. Constant eye contact can be a sign of lying, especially if it’s unblinking. A person speaking the truth looks away about 60% of the time. Do snakes blink? Absolutely not. I recall only one instance when an honest person didn’t blink at me. His eyelids had been removed.

  6. A liar repeat words or phrases, not because he doesn’t remember what he said—because he's trying to convince you that he's telling the truth. Or maybe, trying to convince himself. My advice: err on the side of caution—if someone repeats himself, chances are it’s not due to Alzheimer’s.  

  7. A liar provides too much information. Instead of getting to the point, he tells the cops all about the hoagie he got from Monty’s Deli—roast beef, cheddar, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, hold the pickles, heavy on mayo and mustard. This is an attempt to appear open and honest, when anyone with half a brain can tell he's full of it. (Not just the hoagie.)

  8. Feet offer telltale signs of lying. A liar may shuffle his feet, exposing a desire to escape. Or his feet may point toward the door, another indication that he would like to make an exit. If you want to sniff out liars, a shoe fetish can be helpful. Personally, I prefer high performance sneakers for accelerated lying and fast getaways.

  9. When a person puts his hand over his mouth, yeah he could be yawning, but chances are there’s something he doesn’t want to tell you. Instinctively covering vulnerable body parts like the neck, stomach, or my personal fave, the penis, is a sure sign of lying (or possibly a need to use the men's room), so if you want to appear truthful expose yourself.

  10. My number one way to determine if a person is lying is to pay attention to gut feelings. You could say I'm hungry for the truth, and liars really rev my appetite. Lie to me, and you could show up on my menu. I find that to be a good deterrent.

   

   Okay, Sadie, you may be saying, I've determined so-and-so is a liar ... how do I secure a confession?

  

   Good question.

I recommend torture. (For preferred methods, please check out my book, Sadie the Sadist.)

Daddy's Favorite Chair

Sadie Says: Torture is the spice of life! (and death)