InQuisition of Jeroen ten Berge by Sadie the Sadist

Armed and Dangerous:

International Criminal

Jeroen ten Berge designed the cover for Sadie the Sadist. 

I wanted the best. Jeroen has designed covers for many well known authors including Blake Crouch and Barry Eisler, so I'm in good (or maybe bad) company.

Jeroen was foolish enough to stop by my blog for an interrogation from Sadie.

Sadie:

Hi Jeroen, how’re you doing? Wait. Don’t answer that, it’s not one of my questions. Zané sent me to this interview, because she knows I like hunky guys.

What’s wrong? Why are you blushing?

Don’t tell me!

Damn. That’s already three questions.

I’ll start over ...  You did the cover for Sadie the Sadist (Zané wanted a brilliant cover, so getting you was a no brainer), and when I visited your website Jeroen ten Berge I see you’ve done a lot of covers for a lot of deranged authors. including Blake Crouch (my neighbor), Barry Eisler (I dated him), Christopher Rice (isn’t his mother a vampire?), and Marcus Sakey (true story: when he flew out of this town, he got caught carrying explosives). A lot of guys.

Who, in your opinion, writes the sickest books? And how can I contact him for a date?

Wait, wait, wait ... here’s the rest of the question: describe how you come up with a cover. (That’s really not a question, so will you give me Barry Eisler’s phone number?)

Jeroen:

So if you are Blake's neighbor - which I know isn't true - would you've been his inspiration for Lucy? Because she's one psycho bitch Sadie would seriously love to tap. Maybe you and Blake should co-author a story about Lucy and Sadie. Good Girls Gone Bad. Could be sick. Does this answer your question? Because I would say Blake probably tops the list.  

Sadie:

Yeah, Blake is a sick puppy. I think he stalks me. BTW, I’m not a liar. Speaking of sick animals and liars, how did you get into creating covers? And what did you do before this?

Jeroen:

I was kidding you. I know you’re not a liar – you just have a vivid imagination. Or did Blake move back? I designed book covers before Jeff Bezos sold second hand books from a garage.

Sadie:

I didn’t think you were that old. Have you had plastic surgery?

Jeroen:

Ha! Actually. Yes.

Other things came along that sidetracked the book cover designing for a while. My stage name was Happy Hippo. Then one day I read Blake's Desert Places and Locked Doors and sent him an email because I thought his books sucked donkey balls. This was in January 2006. Ever since we have been sending each other hate mails. And we've worked together ever since because we both enjoy pain.

Sadie:

I’d like to hear more about the Happy Hippo thingy. Once I saw a hippo being fed loaves of Wonder Bread at Central Park Zoo in New York City. 

Jeroen: Danced for a while to make some extra cash. Think Magic Mike, but with flab. That’s behind me now. As well as the flab!

Sadie:
What’s your favorite food, Jeroen? I like to cook. Want to come over for dinner?

Jeroen:

Love to come over for dinner - what's the dress code? 

Sadie:

I think you should wear your g-string. But clothing's not a problem. Power tools cut through cloth.

Jeroen:

Gotcha… 

Sadie:

Stop avoiding my question. What's your favorite food? (I want to fatten you up.)

(This cover was banned on Facebook)

Jeroen:

Gawd... anything that is made from fresh produce (I know your meat is fresher than anyone's), and prepared with love and attention. Currently I love lamb tagine, a Morroccon dish - a bit like stew. Lots of lamb where I live. Happy in the field, happy on the plate, happy in the hippo. (The views expressed in this interview with Jeroen ten Berge do not necessarily reflect the views of Jeroen ten Berge).

Sadie:

I think hippos are vegetarians. I read online that they eat 88 pounds of grass each night. They must be really out of it.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?

Jeroen:

Time travel. You fill in the rest.

Sadie:

You’re kind of lazy, aren’t you? My guess is, you’d like to time travel, so you could get out of work.

Jeroen:

I can be lazy, but I just wanted to check whether man did indeed walk with dinosaurs.

Sadie:

I don't think so, Jeroen. But if you time travel, I guess you could be the first. 

Have you ever used a larger canvas, and do you want to? What would you paint on the Empire State building?

Jeroen:

I have painted on canvasses – how did you know? My largest paintings are 4 by 5 feet. Made two of those. More smaller ones. Will probably have to grow a ginger beard and cut off both ears before I sell any of them. Ha... what a dirty mind you have - we share that trait. Bet you'd think I would say 'penis!' 

Sadie:

You’re really quite the mind-reader, Jeroen. 

Jeroen:

Well, maybe I would paint one, on one side – Simpson’s style. On the opposite side a corn cob to accommodate your fantasies and to balance the yellow penis. On the sides in between a hand gun because I love the aesthetics (not how they are used oftentimes) on one side, and a young deer on the other.

Sadie:

You're very creative. I like this gun arrangement that looks like a snowflake. Inspired by Blake Crouch's story, Abandon. 

And you seem to be obsessed with penises and corn. No wonder we get along.

HEY! Where you going? Come back.