Sadie Says: New Year Resolutions are B.S.

Stop staring at the mirror reflecting on the changes you intend to make to become a better, happier, more socially acceptable you. 

Does this list sound familiar?

Too fat. 

Too lazy. 

Spend too much money. 

Just Change the Year

All that crap your parents, friends, and your annoying boyfriend/girlfriend (note to self: dump his/her ass) are always pointing out.

Sadie Says: quit wasting your time with all that b.s. soul searching. Feeling guilt and shame, making resolutions that you know you'll break, only make you feel lousier. Right?

The key to happiness is going with the flow. Follow Sadie's example, and make a list of vows that you can keep! 

Sadie's Top 10 Resolutions

1. Bigger is better, so stuff yourself with Cheetos, pizza, and fried food.

2. Make a list of irritating people and invite them over for dinner. (Note: first make room in the freezer.) Then feast on steak till 2016.

3. Overspending is not a problem when you use other

people's credit cards.

4. It's easy to cut down on drinking. Switch to weed.

5. Help a nicotine addict by filling their cigarettes with gunpowder.

6. Get rid of the annoying boyfriend and invest in a good vibrator. (Guys, raw liver does the trick.)

7. Why look for another job? Just kill your boss. This will create an opening, and you'll be ready to jump in.

8. Instead of vowing to spend less time on social media, make it your business and take on multiple identities. Becoming a sock puppet allows you to scam people and leave bogus reviews.

9. Joining a gym really pays off when you case members in the locker room and follow them out into the parking lot. Working out at night is best.

10. Accept yourself just as you are. Attempting to change is a waste of time and energy, unless you score a prescription for Xanax or other fun drugs.

Peace on Earth - Goodwill to All Beings

12 Indies of Christmas Blog Hop

Sadie Busts Holiday Myths

As you may know, Sadie (known to many as Sadie the Sadist), is BIG on truth. Just in time for the horrordaze, our favorite psycho is here to dispel a few popular myths.

(Scroll to the end of this blog and enter to win killer prizes from 12 terrific indie authors including: a signed paperback copy of Sadie the Sadist,  three ebooks of Sadie's Guide to Catching Killers, and a Bloody Cleaver Handbag.)

1) Who the hell is Santa Claus?

should you trust this man?

Sadie Says:  From my experience, SANTA IS A PEDOPHILE. Why else would an old man put up with sniveling kids sitting on his lap? As usual, the Catholic Church ignored that fact. They spun a story about this guy, Nicholas, a Bishop who lived in the fourth century (we all know what went on in those monasteries) and made him a saint.

2) What do the colors red and green have to do with Christmas?

authentic photo of a gladiator

Sadie Says: GREEN has been part of winter celebrations FOREVER. Ancient Romans exchanged branches of evergreen in January as a reminder of spring and life, because in the dead of winter everyone was ready to commit suicide or hop into an arena with a gladiator. Back then they had no internet, no TV, not even electricity. Conversely, RED symbolizes blood and death, duh. BTW, in ancient Rome a favorite method of suicide was to slit your wrists in the bath tub … just like my mommy did.

3) What's up with those dreidel things and Hanukkah?

what else can you do in the dark?

Sadie Says: Most people associate menorahs and nine candles with Hanukkah, but in case you don’t know, a dreidel is a four sided spinning top with Hebrew letters inscribed on each side. Rabbis have tried to come up with explanations for the dreidel’s association with the holiday and many say the letters (nun, gimmel, hey, shin) stand for nes gadol haya sham, "a great miracle happened there." But the true story is: after the Jews drove the Greeks out of Jerusalem, they threw an orgy that lasted for eight nights and used dreidels like dice for gambling and playing spin the bottle. 

Win Killer Prizes

Including: A signed paperback copy of Sadie the Sadist, 3 ebook copies of Sadie's Guide to Catching Killers, and a Bloody Cleaver Handbag

This could be YOU

Enter Below

at the bottom of this blog

December 12th - Zane Sachs

December 13th - Kira Adams

December 14th - Chess Desalls

December 15th - Kai Strand

December 16th - Zoe Dawson

December 17th - A.G. Porter

December 18th - Joy Penny

December 19th - Mary Waibel

December 20th - Cynthia Witherspoon

December 21st - K.K. Allen

December 22nd - Ann Everett

December 23rd - Erin Rhew & Deek Rhew

(To win the cleaver purse and signed book, like my Facebook Author Page and Subscribe to my blog through the box on the right. )

10 Reasons the Holidays Suck, and 10 Ways to Make Them Better: 

FREE Advice from Sadie the Sadist

Falalalalalah and all that crap may cheer up some people, but if you’re like me, you dread the holiday season. IMO, after Halloween it’s all downhill until we hit mid-January and everyone forgets their stupid resolutions.

I’m not a professional shrink (although I’ve seen plenty), but I’ve devised the following list of common triggers for Holiday blues—if five or more resonate with you, be sure to check my helpful antidotes.

Insane Santa

10 reasons the Holiday Season Sucks:

1.    They start advertising Christmas crap before Halloween.

2.    You’re forced to see relatives that you can’t stand.

3.    You’re expected to buy the relatives that you can’t stand expensive presents … and they never like them.

4.    Because you’re stressed, you stuff yourself and gain ten pounds.

5.    You’d like to work-off all that holiday blubber, but the gym is constantly closed.

6.    If you hear “I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus” one more time, you will commit suicide.

7.    You need a refill on your Xanax, but the pharmacy is isn't open.

8.    All those colored, blinking lights give you a headache.

9.    Criminal Minds is pre-empted by A Charlie Brown Christmas.

10. You suspect Santa is a pedophile.

10 Ways to Kill Holiday Depression:

1. Make a statement about crass holiday advertising by vandalizing holiday shoppers' cars in the Walmart parking lot. (First, be sure to check for cameras.)

2. When relatives show up, instead of stressing, take the opportunity to try some of Sadie the Sadist’s innovative recipes … a tough relative can provide a tender cut of meat.

3. Dumpster diving is a great way to save on gifts. If that fails, check out the Dollar Store. Chances are, your relatives are too dumb to know the difference.

4. Reframe your reality. For example: weight gain can be an advantage when you’re tackling victims. Also, your victims have probably put on a few pounds too, which makes them easier to catch and juicier.

5. Pursuing victims provides a great work-out. You’ll burn a lot of calories butchering bodies, dragging them around, and digging graves. (Better yet, use them when you make my recipes.)

6. Mount a loudspeaker on your car, and drive around town blasting Marilyn Manson.

7. The holidays are a great time to self-medicate. Crash a party and drink all the punch and eggnog. If you’re in my hometown, those cookies may give you a buzz, if not, visit the local dispensary.

8. Blinking lights aren’t annoying when you’re high on weed. If your state doesn’t offer legal marijuana, plan a trip to Washington or my state, Colorado.

9. Instead of spending mindless hours watching the boob-tube, make your own old-fashioned fun: bake a batch of marijuana cookies and pass them out at work; set fire to the church during candlelight service; turn that pesky boss into a hearty stew for the office potluck. Be inventive!

10. The best antidote for a pedophile Santa can be found in my book, Sadie the Sadist. I won’t describe it here, but the procedure requires a large cob of corn.

Sadie Says: Happy HorrorDaze!

Indie Fall Fest

Win Awesome Prizes

Including a Machete Just Like Sadie's

(Blood Not Included)

141 Books Plus $70 Amazon Gift Cards

Enter at:

Pretty Little Pages

or

Sing Me Anything

or

Scroll Down to
Enter at the Bottom of This Blog