Sadie the Sadist Interviews Heiner Eden of Pulpcore

5 Question Interview with Heiner Eden

Heiner Eden, Looking for Escape Route

So … Heiner, thanks for showing up on Zané’s blog. (Of course, you don't have much choice, since I'm holding you captive.) Zané doesn’t speak much German, so she sent me to ask you fünf Fragen (5 Questions).

BTW, Ich spreche kein Deutsch, so I’ll be using Google Übersetzer (Google Translate).

This Pulpcore Anthology of yours looks im Arsch (does im Arsh really mean fucked up?) Eighteen sick stories by eighteen twisted writers (including Blauer Engel by Zané Sachs), and the anthology is FREI (FREE)! Genial! (Awesome!)

Really Sick Stories

DOWNLOAD  IT: HERE  

HIER HERUNTERLADEN

You’ve got to be shitting me, Heiner. Does Herunterladen mean download, or is that really some deviant sexual act?

You can answer, oder treffen Sie mich später (meet me later), but offiziell (officially) 

that’s not your first question. Okay, hier gehen wirhere (Okay, here we go).

SADIE: Frage Nummer eins (Question #1): Okay, you live in Germany, so you decided to publish Pulpcore in Deutsch. But, isn’t that selfish? Why not publish in Yupik? A lot of readers in Siberia and Western Alaska are going to be sadly disappointed. Was zum Teufel?

Note: How can was zum Teufel mean what the fuck, when im Arsch means fucked up? Fick Dich (fuck you), Google Translate.

HEINER: Ich muss zu meiner Schande gestehen, dass ich bis vor zehn Minuten keine Ahnung hatte, was Yupik überhaupt bedeutet. (I must confess to my shame that I had no idea until ten minutes, which means Yupik ever.)

SADIE: “Which means Yupik ever?” Really Google Translate? My German sucks, but I think Heiner is trying to say that he never heard of Yapik until ten minutes ago. A sad commentary on the state of post-Brexit Europe (where half the people in the UK Googled the EU after voting to get out of it—kinda like disgruntled teenagers slitting their own wrists and then wondering why they’re bleeding)—

Sadie Says: Use a Chainsaw

… and an indication of why a fick dick like Donald Trump is running for U.S. President. I doubt “The Donald” considers Alaska a state, and I’m pretty sure he lumps native Alaskans in with foreigners. Anyway … back to Yupik—  

HEINER: Aber nun, da ich mich schlau gemacht habe (but now that I have made smart) vielen Dank, www.alaskool.org).

SADIE: Thanks, Heiner, a most informative site. Come to think of it, Alaska must be a great place to store bodies, especially in winter.

HEINER: "Es ist Zeit, Robbenspeck zu holen!", oder "Uqicitaaryarnariuq!", wie wir es in Yupik sagen. (It's time to bring seal blubber!) or Uqicitaaryarnariuq! (As we say it in Yupik). Would you loosen these handcuffs.

SADIE: NO! But, I'm in agreement with you, regarding blubber. I’m sure it's terrific for frying. Currently, I’m working on a recipe that features deep-fried politicians instead of turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, which may explain Trump’s popularity in Alaska and the importance of offering a Yupik edition of Pulpcore.   

HEINER: Ja. Steht eine Yupik-Version von pulpcore natürlich ganz oben auf meiner To-Do-Liste. Wer weiß, vielleicht ist das genau die Marktlücke, nach der ich schon mein ganzes Leben lang gesucht habe.

SADIE: I’m glad to hear a Yupik version of Pulpcore is on the top of your to-do list, and that it’s exactly the niche you’ve been longing for all of your life.

That brings me to Frage Nummer zwei (Question #2): What is the common 

thread between these stories? Süße Romantik? Tiere? Selbsthilfe? (Sweet romance? 

Animals? Self-help?) Or … Blut und Verstümmelung,Perversion, und Psychokiller? 

(Blood, gore and mayhem, perversion, and psycho killers?)

HEINER: Glaub es oder nicht, Sadie, alle Stories auf pulpcore sind in ihrem Kern romantisch durch und durch.

SADIE: No kidding? All the stories are romantic? Do you find this a romantic setting?

Sadie's Living Room

HEINER: Klar. Very romantic, Sadie. Manchmal versteckt sich die Romantik hinter einer Wand aus Nebel an düsteren, unheimlichen Orten; manchmal in fernen Galaxien, weit, weit weg von zuhause; manchmal (okay, meistens) unter einem Berg aus Blut, Eingeweiden und abgetrennten Gliedmaßen.

SADIE: For my readers who don’t sprechen German, Heiner says, "Sure, sometimes the romance hidden behind a wall of dark mist, eerie places, distant galaxies. Sometimes (okay, mostly) under mountains of blood, guts and severed limbs." 

That's my kind of romance, Heiner.

HEINER: Aber die Romantik ist immer da, irgendwo, sonst würde ich die Stories nicht auf pulpcore veröffentlichen. 

In other words, without romance, I wouldn’t publish the stories. And if you're honest, Sadie, you have to admit that you're a hopeless romantic yourself. Am I right? Bitte vergib mir diese schmalzige Anmache (Please forgive me for this corny pickup line.)

SADIE: I love corny pick-ups, Heiner--especially when they're on the cob.

Frage Nummer  drei (Question #3): How did you discover these Mutter Fall (nut-case) writers? Tell me about these weirdos (weirdos).

HEINER: Die Autoren, die ich bisher via pulpcore kennenlernen durfte, sind 

gar keine "weirdos", sondern ganz normale Typen wie du und ich 

SADIE: You’re telling me the authors aren’t weirdos? Just ordinary guys like 

you and me? First of all, in case you have noticed, I’m not a guy, Heiner.

HEINER: Warum Entpacken Sie Ihre Hosen?

SADIE: I’m unzipping my pants to prove a point—

HEINER: Okay, vielleicht bist du jetzt nicht gerade das beste Beispiel für ganz 

normal.

SADIE: What did you say?

HEINER: I said, maybe you're not the best example of normal.

SADIE: Like you are?

HEINER: Sie sind allesamt sehr nett und komplett entspannt. Was überrascht, wenn man sich ihre Stories auf pulpcore durchliest. Denn die sind zutiefst verstörend und oft so triefend böse, dass ihre Verfasser eigentlich ins Gefängnis oder ins Irrenhaus gehören.

SADIE: I don’t know was zum Teufel (what the fuck) you just said, so I used 

Google Translate:

“The writers are all very nice and completely relaxed.” (Yeah, right.) “What surprised 

when their stories by reading to Pulpcore. Because they are deeply disturbing and often 

so dripping angry that their authors actually belong in prison or the madhouse.”

You’ve got one perverted sense of romance, Heiner.

HEINER: No comment.

SADIE: Frage Nummer vier (Question #4): You speak ficken good Englisch (English). 

In fact, you translated that novel by Zané Sachs (based on my life) Sadie the Sadist 

X-trem schwarzer Humor+Horror into Deutsche (German). I guess Google Translate 

really came in handy, didn’t it?

HEINER: NEIN, bitch!

SADIE: No need to yell. So, did you translate a lot of these stories from another language?

HEINER:  Erst einmal danke fürs Kompliment.

SADIE: You’re welcome.

HEINER: Ich habe sämtliche Stories auf pulpcore aus dem Englischen ins Deutsche übersetzt.

SADIE: According to Google Translate, you just said: I have all stories on pulpcore translated from English into German … so, I can’t tell if you actually translated them. Do you even speak English … or do you use Google Translate for everything?

HEINER: Eigentlich bin ich technischer Übersetzer von Beruf, was wirklich so langweilig ist, wie es sich anhört. Deshalb wollte ich zu meiner wahren Leidenschaft wechseln - der Genre-Literatur.

SADIE: (Using Google Translate), you said: Actually, I'm a technical translator by profession, what is really as boring as it sounds. So I wanted to go to my true passion—the genre literature.

I get that translating horror and sci-fi stories (or romance, as you call it) is more interesting than technical writing, but what do you do for fun?

HEINER:  Well, my true passion is to lie on the sofa and watch old episodes of Twilight Zone, but that pays less than my translator job. (Although, I have to admit, translating genre literature doesn’t bring in much more money than hanging out on the sofa.) But I prefer translating stories about things like "body parts and guts, bits of bone and bloody puddles " to "Blade No.14 can be fabricated integrally with Hub No. 12.”

Don’t you agree?

SADIE: You are one sick puppy, admit it. And that brings me to:

Frage Nummer fünf (Question #5): If you could commit any verbrechen oder 

perverse acto (crime or perverse act) ohne erwischt zu werden oder bestraft 

(without getting caught or being punished) was würden Sie tun?  (What would you do?)

Note: READERS, what would you do?

HEINER: Mal sehen. Kennst du die Szene aus Stephen King's, The Stand, wo der Typ auf 

das Schlagmal im Yankee-Stadion masturbiert? 

SADIE: Stephen King and masturbation … two of my favorite subjects.

HEINER: So etwas in der Art könnte ich mir vorstellen. Vielleicht würde ich auch nur auf 

den Rasen pinkeln. 

SADIE: I think you said, maybe you would masturbate and pee on Yankee Stadium?

HEINER: Ich bin nicht gerade deviant und ziemlich schüchtern in dieser Hinsicht. Aber 

wo wir schon einmal dabei sind, Sadie. Zum Schluss verrate ich dir mein liebstes 

(deutsches) Synonym für die männliche Selbstbefriedigung: sich einen von der Palme 

wedeln. Choke on that, Google Translator!

SADIE: Okay … I used Google Translate, but I really understand is: You’re not shy, and 

you like to “wag one of the palm.” And, yeah, I think Google Translate is choking.

This has been an enlightening interview. 

Thanks for stopping by today, Heiner. I'll loosen those handcuffs now. Sie sind ein tapferer 

Mann!

And for the rest of you, pick up your FREE COPY of Pulpcore!