Advice from Sadie the Sadist
If you're like me, no doubt you're thinking ... here it comes again, the dreaded Holiday Season.
Fa-la-la-la-la-la F That!
|Gathering of Psychopaths|
Sadie the Sadist is here to tell you how to make the most of all those pesky relatives and knock some check marks off your list.
There's a reason they're called BLOOD relatives, so re-frame your thinking: Instead of giving those annoying asshats gifts (spending your hard-earned money and waiting for no thanks), after reading this article, chance are you'll look forward to family gatherings.
Ideas from Sadie the Sadist
Aunt Betty: Maybe your aunt isn't named Betty, but we all know the type--not only is she opinionated, but she sticks her nose into everybody's business. Basically, Betty is a gossip and a snoop.
The perfect gift for Betty ... (Hint: big mouths have lots of teeth) You got it, Ivory. Sure, elephants are an endangered species, and anyone who takes their tusks deserves to be drawn and quartered or thrown into a vat of boiling oil, but Aunt Betties abound, providing a prolific and cheap source of ivory.
Note: If you use violence to knock out Aunt Betty, stay clear of her head; you don't want to damage the merchandise. I recommend using the method Oral surgeons use for impacted Wisdom teeth: knock her out with drugs before extraction.
While you're inside the old broad's pie hole (cock pocket, gob, skull cave) yank out her tongue. (Correctly prepared, tongue is tender and tasty.)
|A Lovely Necklace|
Cousin Dick: Maybe you don't see Dick very often, but when you do he leaves a big impression. If Dick doesn't have you cornered in the kitchen, he's down the hall patrolling the bathroom, or even worse, playing hide-and-seek with the kiddos. Dick is never gonna change, but he makes a handy-dandy purse for all his cash.
|Gilded for the Holidays|
Sister Selfie: Plain annoying. Sister Selfie can't be parted from her phone, and the camera's glued to her duck face, capturing every moment of her useless existence. The world will thank you for saving us from endless Facebook posts when you kill her.
May 21, 2015
Sadie's Ideal Family Vacation
Hungry for travel? Me too!
Half the planet is heading into summer, and the other half is looking to escape from winter, so now's the perfect time to travel. Get away from work and the daily grind, pack the kids and Grams into the car and take off on the open road ... plus travel offers other advantages you may not have considered.
Check out Sadie's travel tips:
1. Choose the right destination
Anyone with a wad of cash can plan a vacation to Disneyworld--although the Mouse House offers an awesome selection of tender victims and rides present convenient opportunities for getting rid of that pesky family, security is tight and Disney is high profile, so when little Johnny takes a tumble from Space Mountain, you'll be faced with a nasty backlash of publicity, not to mention a barrage of questions from the police.
|Give Granny a Heart Attack on Space Mountain Roller Coaster|
|Camping in the heart of NYC|
|Room to Run in the Mojave|
2. Pack carefully
Don't waste space packing lots of clothes. You won't need them! Instead, make sure your suitcase contains these useful items: duct tape, meat cleaver, Pentobarbital (drug of choice for US executions). Optional: a gun. If you're out in the desert, coyotes will clean up for you, otherwise you may want a plastic tarp. Note: Tupperware is always handy, and I always pack a large cooler with lots of ice.
|Don't Over Pack!|
3. Get in, get out
Tempting as it may be to stick around and enjoy the aftermath of your little escapade, I advise you to leave the scene as quickly as possible. Thanks to the internet, you can keep tabs on all the action. Now's your chance to get away and enjoy a real vaca!
January 3, 2015
Stop staring at the mirror reflecting on the changes you intend to make to become a better, happier, more socially acceptable you.
Does this list sound familiar?
Spend too much money.
|Just Change the Year|
Sadie Says: quit wasting your time with all that b.s. soul searching. Feeling guilt and shame, making resolutions that you know you'll break, only make you feel lousier. Right?
The key to happiness is going with the flow. Follow Sadie's example, and make a list of vows that you can keep!
Sadie's Top 10 Resolutions
1. Bigger is better, so stuff yourself with Cheetos, pizza, and fried food.
2. Make a list of irritating people and invite them over for dinner. (Note: first make room in the freezer.) Then feast on steak till 2016.
3. Overspending is not a problem when you use other
people's credit cards.
4. It's easy to cut down on drinking. Switch to weed.
5. Help a nicotine addict by filling their cigarettes with gunpowder.
6. Get rid of the annoying boyfriend and invest in a good vibrator. (Guys, raw liver does the trick.)
7. Why look for another job? Just kill your boss. This will create an opening, and you'll be ready to jump in.
8. Instead of vowing to spend less time on social media, make it your business and take on multiple identities. Becoming a sock puppet allows you to scam people and leave bogus reviews.
9. Joining a gym really pays off when you case members in the locker room and follow them out into the parking lot. Working out at night is best.
10. Accept yourself just as you are. Attempting to change is a waste of time and energy, unless you score a prescription for Xanax or other fun drugs.
December 9, 2014
Sadie Busts Holiday Myths
As you may know, Sadie (known to many as Sadie the Sadist), is BIG on truth. Just in time for the horrordaze, our favorite psycho is here to dispel a few popular myths.
(Scroll to the end of this blog and enter to win killer prizes from 12 terrific indie authors including: a signed paperback copy of Sadie the Sadist, three ebooks of Sadie's Guide to Catching Killers, and a Bloody Cleaver Handbag.)
1) Who the hell is Santa Claus?
|should you trust this man?|
Sadie Says: From my experience, SANTA IS A PEDOPHILE. Why else would an old man put up with sniveling kids sitting on his lap? As usual, the Catholic Church ignored that fact. They spun a story about this guy, Nicholas, a Bishop who lived in the fourth century (we all know what went on in those monasteries) and made him a saint.
2) What do the colors red and green have to do with Christmas?
|authentic photo of a gladiator|
Sadie Says: GREEN has been part of winter celebrations FOREVER. Ancient Romans exchanged branches of evergreen in January as a reminder of spring and life, because in the dead of winter everyone was ready to commit suicide or hop into an arena with a gladiator. Back then they had no internet, no TV, not even electricity. Conversely, RED symbolizes blood and death, duh. BTW, in ancient Rome a favorite method of suicide was to slit your wrists in the bath tub … just like my mommy did.
3) What's up with those dreidel things and Hanukkah?
|what else can you do in the dark?|
Sadie Says: Most people associate menorahs and nine candles with Hanukkah, but in case you don’t know, a dreidel is a four sided spinning top with Hebrew letters inscribed on each side. Rabbis have tried to come up with explanations for the dreidel’s association with the holiday and many say the letters (nun, gimmel, hey, shin) stand for nes gadol haya sham, "a great miracle happened there." But the true story is: after the Jews drove the Greeks out of Jerusalem, they threw an orgy that lasted for eight nights and used dreidels like dice for gambling and playing spin the bottle.
Win Killer Prizes
Including: A signed paperback copy of Sadie the Sadist, 3 ebook copies of Sadie's Guide to Catching Killers, and a Bloody Cleaver Handbag
|This could be YOU|
at the bottom of this blog
(To win the cleaver purse and signed book, like my Facebook Author Page and Subscribe to my blog through the box on the right.)10 Reasons the Holidays Suck, and 10 Ways to Make Them Better:
November 22, 2014
November 22, 2014
FREE Advice from Sadie the Sadist
Falalalalalah and all that crap may cheer up some people, but if you’re like me, you dread the holiday season. IMO, after Halloween it’s all downhill until we hit mid-January and everyone forgets their stupid resolutions.
I’m not a professional shrink (although I’ve seen plenty), but I’ve devised the following list of common triggers for Holiday blues—if five or more resonate with you, be sure to check my helpful antidotes.
10 reasons the Holiday Season Sucks:
1. They start advertising Christmas crap before Halloween.
2. You’re forced to see relatives that you can’t stand.
3. You’re expected to buy the relatives that you can’t stand expensive presents … and they never like them.
4. Because you’re stressed, you stuff yourself and gain ten pounds.
5. You’d like to work-off all that holiday blubber, but the gym is constantly closed.
6. If you hear “I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus” one more time, you will commit suicide.
7. You need a refill on your Xanax, but the pharmacy is isn't open.
8. All those colored, blinking lights give you a headache.
9. Criminal Minds is pre-empted by A Charlie Brown Christmas.
10. You suspect Santa is a pedophile.
10 Ways to Kill Holiday Depression:
1. Make a statement about crass holiday advertising by vandalizing holiday shoppers' cars in the Walmart parking lot. (First, be sure to check for cameras.)
2. When relatives show up, instead of stressing, take the opportunity to try some of Sadie the Sadist’s innovative recipes … a tough relative can provide a tender cut of meat.
3. Dumpster diving is a great way to save on gifts. If that fails, check out the Dollar Store. Chances are, your relatives are too dumb to know the difference.
4. Reframe your reality. For example: weight gain can be an advantage when you’re tackling victims. Also, your victims have probably put on a few pounds too, which makes them easier to catch and juicier.
5. Pursuing victims provides a great work-out. You’ll burn a lot of calories butchering bodies, dragging them around, and digging graves. (Better yet, use them when you make my recipes.)
6. Mount a loudspeaker on your car, and drive around town blasting Marilyn Manson.
7. The holidays are a great time to self-medicate. Crash a party and drink all the punch and eggnog. If you’re in my hometown, those cookies may give you a buzz, if not, visit the local dispensary.
8. Blinking lights aren’t annoying when you’re high on weed. If your state doesn’t offer legal marijuana, plan a trip to Washington or my state, Colorado.
9. Instead of spending mindless hours watching the boob-tube, make your own old-fashioned fun: bake a batch of marijuana cookies and pass them out at work; set fire to the church during candlelight service; turn that pesky boss into a hearty stew for the office potluck. Be inventive!
10. The best antidote for a pedophile Santa can be found in my book, Sadie the Sadist. I won’t describe it here, but the procedure requires a large cob of corn.
Sadie Says: Happy HorrorDaze!
September 25, 2014
Advice from Sadie--Embrace Darkness:
If you're a psycho like me, you welcome the longer nights we're drifting into on the northern half of this planet. People often worship light, but I prefer darkness. In the blinding light of day we see what we want to see, but as daylight fades, night reveals what light keeps hidden.
10 Reasons Long Nights Rock
1. Dim light makes everyone look better ... fancy restaurants always have lousy lighting, so your food (and your company) appear more edible.
2. It's fun to sneak up on people and surprise them in places like parking lots, the bike trail, alleyways ... duh.
3. Instead of doing yard work and other chores, you have an excuse to binge watch your favorite shows like Criminal Minds, Deadly Women, and The Walking Dead.
4. If you do decide to do yard work, for example: digging that six foot hole out in the garden, your neighbors won't notice.
5. Your boss will never see what hit him.
6. If you happen to be driving, it's a blast to blind annoying pedestrians.
7. Don't need to worry about sunburn when you're fucking around outside.
8. It's easier to tell if people are at home, especially if they don't use blinds or curtains.
9. You'll blend in when you wear your black ski mask.
10. Bottom Line: night makes everything scarier.
July 11, 2014
I'm working on a new book:
Sadie's Guide to Catching Killers
(A Sadie Novella)
Prekill to Sadie the Sadist
The story will explore how Sadie becomes the girl we know and love. And it will include helpful advice like:
10 Signs Someone is a Low-Life Liar
They say it takes one to know one. Guess that’s why I’ve become good at detecting when someone is a lying slime bag. Here are a few tips I’ve picked up over the years. (Too bad I didn’t know this stuff when I was a kid. Might have saved me a lot of trouble.)
Note: You may also find this information useful if, like me, you’re working to improve your dissimulation skills.
1. You ask a question, and the liar repeats your question using your exact words, giving himself more time to concoct his story. For example, I ask my father: Did you kill my mother? He says: Did I kill your mother? (Thinking, thinking, thinking.) No, Sadie. I did not kill your mother. (Zero points for creativity, Dad.)
2. Notice the use of did not instead of didn’t, giving the denial extra emphasis. That’s called non-contracted denial, another clue that my father is a lying scumbag. My rule of thumb: No Contractions=Contradictions=BS.
3. If you confront the dirty dog with what you believe may be a lie and he starts panting heavily or his breathing gets shallow, don’t trust him as far as you can throw a stick. (Sweating doesn’t prove he’s lying. He may just be nervous or forgot his antiperspirant.)
4. Liars frequently use euphemisms, filtering harsh reality through a soft focus lens. I would never hurt your mother (a gentler word than kill); I borrowed (embezzled) the money; I think you may belong in a correctional facility, Daddy Dearest (MAY YOU ROT IN HELL, SCUM BUCKET).
5. Constant eye contact can be a sign of lying, especially if it’s unblinking. A person speaking the truth looks away about 60% of the time. Do snakes blink? Absolutely not. I recall only one instance when an honest person didn’t blink at me. His eyelids had been removed.
6. A liar repeats words or phrases, not because he doesn’t remember what he said—because he's trying to convince you that he's telling the truth. Or maybe, trying to convince himself. My advice: err on the side of caution—if someone repeats himself, chances are it’s not due to Alzheimer’s.
7. A liar provides too much information. Instead of getting to the point, he tells the cops all about the hoagie he got from Monty’s Deli—roast beef, cheddar, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, hold the pickles, heavy on mayo and mustard. This is an attempt to appear open and honest, when anyone with half a brain can tell he's full of it. (Not just the hoagie.)
8. Feet offer telltale signs of lying. A liar may shuffle his feet, exposing a desire to escape. Or his feet may point toward the door, another indication that he would like to make an exit. If you want to sniff out liars, a shoe fetish can be helpful. Personally, I prefer high performance sneakers for accelerated lying and fast getaways.
9. When a person puts his hand over his mouth, yeah he could be yawning, but chances are there’s something he doesn’t want to tell you. Instinctively covering vulnerable body parts like the neck, stomach, or my personal fave, the penis, is a sure sign of lying (or possibly a need to use the men's room), so if you want to appear truthful expose yourself.
10. My number one way to determine if a person is lying is to pay attention to gut feelings. You could say I'm hungry for the truth, and liars really rev my appetite. Lie to me, and you could show up on my menu. I find that to be a good deterrent.
Okay, Sadie, you may be saying, I've determined so-and-so is a liar ... how do I secure a confession?
I recommend torture. (For preferred methods, please check out my book, Sadie the Sadist.)
|Daddy's Favorite Chair|
May 24, 2014
Cut the Corn and EAT MEAT!
Cavemen and women didn't struggle with excess blubber. Of course, they didn't sit around twittering, FaceBooking, and streaming Netflix for hours. But they had another strategy for staying fit: The Paleolithic Diet!
Things changed when humans developed agriculture and became dependent on grains like wheat and corn. These days we eat a ton of cereal, bread, and pasta. No wonder most Americans look like the Pillsbury doughboy
The secret ingredient? MEAT
According to ABC News The Paleo diet is 35% fat, 35% protein, 35% carbohydrates ... wait a minute ... that adds up to 105.
You may ask, is Paleo for me? Sadie, a staunch proponent, offers you the Pros and Cons regarding frequently asked questions ...
|Your family in 30 days|
Pro: YES. You're eating fish, grass-fed meat, vegetables and fungi. Forget about ice cream, Doritos, the deadly lentil, dairy, peanuts, and birthday cake. Who wouldn't lose weight eating only fungi and steak?
Con: Listen dummy ... if you consume fewer calories you'll lose weight. Paleo offers a short list of foods, so you don't have many choices. It works great, if you don't like to eat.
2) Will I live longer eating Paleo?
Pro: Cavemen didn't die of cancer, heart conditions, and diabetes. With a life expectancy of 30 years, who had time to contract chronic diseases?
Con: Long schmong ... you could get hit by a truck tomorrow. Do you really want to live to be 100? Then stick to Paleo ... you may not have teeth, but you can still enjoy Gerber's Beef and Gravy.
Pro: Absolutely! You need to get more active, mimic our ancestors. They spent their days hunting and gathering, so they burned an average of 4,000 calories a day. How can you do that if you're watching back-to-back episodes of Game of Thrones?
Con: Streaming won't hurt you, if you work out regularly. Get rid of the dining room table and install a treadmill. Another option: hunt for your meat. Chasing down the local farmers' cows provides great exercise.
Sadie says: I enjoy hunting for my meat!
|Exercise is more fun with friends|
April 12, 2014
Should You Try Online Dating?
You don't have to be a loser to date online. These days, everyone is doing it.
But, before you jump into the Web and reveal your innermost thoughts and desires, Sadie offers you some sage advice and gives you the Pros and Cons regarding some frequently asked questions:
1) Is it easy to get a date?
Pro: Depends what you call a date. Most guys I’ve met online are cheap, cheap, cheap. You’re lucky if they spring for a cuppa Java, let alone a BJ. My advice: forget Match and eHarmony; hit sites like Sugardaddy where guys put out.
Con: Getting a date is easy--just tell them what they want to hear (you're easy) and guys will be lining up. The Internet provides a great resource for targets. Get his real name as soon as possible, then use a site like AnyWho to find out where he lives and calculate his net worth. Then look him up on Google Earth.
2) What should I say in my profile?
Pro: Take a tip from men. They lie about everything: income, age, weight, height—especially marital status. Who cares? As long as they have credit cards.
Con: A good photo is everything. Stake out guys you like, see what they go for, then choose your pic accordingly. Don’t worry about other stuff, politics, religion—all that bs. Most guys won’t get past your cleavage.
3) How long should we email or talk on the phone before we meet face-to-face?
Pro: Generally, you want to meet as soon as possible. Who wants to waste time talking? But timing depends on how much you lied on your profile.
Con: Stall until you’ve milked him for as much information as possible. Once you’ve gained his confidence, set up a date (preferably in another town)—that way you’ll get him out of the way while you break into his house.
Sadie Says: Online dating is like shopping. You need to be selective. Who wants a hot dog when you can have steak? But, even if you meet up with a loser, you'll have fun bursting his bubble. And, online, there's always a fresh cut of meat.
March 20, 2014
Should You Kill Your Boss?
The Pros and Cons
Before you take action, ask yourself these questions:
1) If I kill my boss, will I still get a paycheck?
Pro: Killing your boss creates a wonderful opportunity for you to move up in the company and increase earnings. Polish up that résumé.
Con: Even if you lose your paycheck, expenses are low in the shit house, and you get three squares a day.
2) Do I have the opportunity to kill my boss?
Pro: Don’t wait for an opportunity, create one. A true professional exudes confidence, and that’s what you need to pull this off.
Con: Convince someone else to kill the boss. Blackmail works well, so does threatening their family.
3) Can I pull this off without getting caught?
Pro: Practice, practice, practice. Planning is everything. Think it through, make a list of the tools you'll need (then burn it), and set aside enough time to get rid of evidence.
Con: Like I said, get someone else to do the job. Meanwhile, work on your alibi.
Sadie Says: Have fun!
(If you're self-employed, stay tuned for Sadie's next advice post--Suicide: Pros and Cons.)