5 Question Interview with Heiner Eden
|Heiner Eden, Looking for Escape Route|
So … Heiner, thanks for showing up on Zané’s blog. (Of course, you don't have much choice, since I'm holding you captive.) Zané doesn’t speak much German, so she sent me to ask you fünf Fragen (5 Questions).
BTW, Ich spreche kein Deutsch, so I’ll be using Google Übersetzer (Google Translate).
BTW, Ich spreche kein Deutsch, so I’ll be using Google Übersetzer (Google Translate).
This Pulpcore Anthology of yours looks im Arsch (does im Arsh really mean fucked up?) Eighteen sick stories by eighteen twisted writers (including Blauer Engel by Zané Sachs), and the anthology is FREI (FREE)! Genial! (Awesome!)
|Really Sick Stories|
DOWNLOAD IT: HERE
You’ve got to be shitting me, Heiner. Does Herunterladen mean download, or is that really some deviant sexual act?
You can answer, oder treffen Sie mich später (meet me later), but offiziell (officially)
that’s not your first question. Okay, hier gehen wirhere (Okay, here we go).
SADIE: Frage Nummer eins (Question #1): Okay, you live in Germany, so you decided to publish Pulpcore in Deutsch. But, isn’t that selfish? Why not publish in Yupik? A lot of readers in Siberia and Western Alaska are going to be sadly disappointed. Was zum Teufel?
Note: How can was zum Teufel mean what the fuck, when im Arsch means fucked up? Fick Dich (fuck you), Google Translate.
HEINER: Ich muss zu meiner Schande gestehen, dass ich bis vor zehn Minuten keine Ahnung hatte, was Yupik überhaupt bedeutet. (I must confess to my shame that I had no idea until ten minutes, which means Yupik ever.)
SADIE: “Which means Yupik ever?” Really Google Translate? My German sucks, but I think Heiner is trying to say that he never heard of Yapik until ten minutes ago. A sad commentary on the state of post-Brexit Europe (where half the people in the UK Googled the EU after voting to get out of it—kinda like disgruntled teenagers slitting their own wrists and then wondering why they’re bleeding)—
|Sadie Says: Use a Chainsaw|
… and an indication of why a fick dick like Donald Trump is running for U.S. President. I doubt “The Donald” considers Alaska a state, and I’m pretty sure he lumps native Alaskans in with foreigners. Anyway … back to Yupik—
HEINER: Aber nun, da ich mich schlau gemacht habe (but now that I have made smart) vielen Dank, www.alaskool.org).
SADIE: Thanks, Heiner, a most informative site. Come to think of it, Alaska must be a great place to store bodies, especially in winter.
HEINER: "Es ist Zeit, Robbenspeck zu holen!", oder "Uqicitaaryarnariuq!", wie wir es in Yupik sagen. (It's time to bring seal blubber!) or Uqicitaaryarnariuq! (As we say it in Yupik). Would you loosen these handcuffs.
SADIE: NO! But, I'm in agreement with you, regarding blubber. I’m sure it's terrific for frying. Currently, I’m working on a recipe that features deep-fried politicians instead of turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, which may explain Trump’s popularity in Alaska and the importance of offering a Yupik edition of Pulpcore.
HEINER: Ja. Steht eine Yupik-Version von pulpcore natürlich ganz oben auf meiner To-Do-Liste. Wer weiß, vielleicht ist das genau die Marktlücke, nach der ich schon mein ganzes Leben lang gesucht habe.
SADIE: I’m glad to hear a Yupik version of Pulpcore is on the top of your to-do list, and that it’s exactly the niche you’ve been longing for all of your life.
That brings me to Frage Nummer zwei (Question #2): What is the common
thread between these stories? Süße Romantik? Tiere? Selbsthilfe? (Sweet romance?
Animals? Self-help?) Or … Blut und Verstümmelung,Perversion, und Psychokiller?
(Blood, gore and mayhem, perversion, and psycho killers?)
HEINER: Glaub es oder nicht, Sadie, alle Stories auf pulpcore sind in ihrem Kern romantisch durch und durch.
SADIE: No kidding? All the stories are romantic? Do you find this a romantic setting?
|Sadie's Living Room|
HEINER: Klar. Very romantic, Sadie. Manchmal versteckt sich die Romantik hinter einer Wand aus Nebel an düsteren, unheimlichen Orten; manchmal in fernen Galaxien, weit, weit weg von zuhause; manchmal (okay, meistens) unter einem Berg aus Blut, Eingeweiden und abgetrennten Gliedmaßen.
SADIE: For my readers who don’t sprechen German, Heiner says, "Sure, sometimes the romance hidden behind a wall of dark mist, eerie places, distant galaxies. Sometimes (okay, mostly) under mountains of blood, guts and severed limbs."
That's my kind of romance, Heiner.
HEINER: Aber die Romantik ist immer da, irgendwo, sonst würde ich die Stories nicht auf pulpcore veröffentlichen.
In other words, without romance, I wouldn’t publish the stories. And if you're honest, Sadie, you have to admit that you're a hopeless romantic yourself. Am I right? Bitte vergib mir diese schmalzige Anmache (Please forgive me for this corny pickup line.)
SADIE: I love corny pick-ups, Heiner--especially when they're on the cob.
Frage Nummer drei (Question #3): How did you discover these Mutter Fall (nut-case) writers? Tell me about these weirdos (weirdos).
HEINER: Die Autoren, die ich bisher via pulpcore kennenlernen durfte, sind
gar keine "weirdos", sondern ganz normale Typen wie du und ich
SADIE: You’re telling me the authors aren’t weirdos? Just ordinary guys like
you and me? First of all, in case you have noticed, I’m not a guy, Heiner.
HEINER: Warum Entpacken Sie Ihre Hosen?
SADIE: I’m unzipping my pants to prove a point—
HEINER: Okay, vielleicht bist du jetzt nicht gerade das beste Beispiel für ganz
SADIE: What did you say?
HEINER: I said, maybe you're not the best example of normal.
SADIE: Like you are?
HEINER: Sie sind allesamt sehr nett und komplett entspannt. Was überrascht, wenn man sich ihre Stories auf pulpcore durchliest. Denn die sind zutiefst verstörend und oft so triefend böse, dass ihre Verfasser eigentlich ins Gefängnis oder ins Irrenhaus gehören.
SADIE: I don’t know was zum Teufel (what the fuck) you just said, so I used
“The writers are all very nice and completely relaxed.” (Yeah, right.) “What surprised
when their stories by reading to Pulpcore. Because they are deeply disturbing and often
so dripping angry that their authors actually belong in prison or the madhouse.”
You’ve got one perverted sense of romance, Heiner.
HEINER: No comment.
SADIE: Frage Nummer vier (Question #4): You speak ficken good Englisch (English).
In fact, you translated that novel by Zané Sachs (based on my life) Sadie the Sadist
X-trem schwarzer Humor+Horror into Deutsche (German). I guess Google Translate
really came in handy, didn’t it?
HEINER: NEIN, bitch!
SADIE: No need to yell. So, did you translate a lot of these stories from another language?
HEINER: Erst einmal danke fürs Kompliment.
SADIE: You’re welcome.
HEINER: Ich habe sämtliche Stories auf pulpcore aus dem Englischen ins Deutsche übersetzt.
SADIE: According to Google Translate, you just said: I have all stories on pulpcore translated from English into German … so, I can’t tell if you actually translated them. Do you even speak English … or do you use Google Translate for everything?
HEINER: Eigentlich bin ich technischer Übersetzer von Beruf, was wirklich so langweilig ist, wie es sich anhört. Deshalb wollte ich zu meiner wahren Leidenschaft wechseln - der Genre-Literatur.
SADIE: (Using Google Translate), you said: Actually, I'm a technical translator by profession, what is really as boring as it sounds. So I wanted to go to my true passion—the genre literature.
I get that translating horror and sci-fi stories (or romance, as you call it) is more interesting than technical writing, but what do you do for fun?
HEINER: Well, my true passion is to lie on the sofa and watch old episodes of Twilight Zone, but that pays less than my translator job. (Although, I have to admit, translating genre literature doesn’t bring in much more money than hanging out on the sofa.) But I prefer translating stories about things like "body parts and guts, bits of bone and bloody puddles " to "Blade No.14 can be fabricated integrally with Hub No. 12.”
Don’t you agree?
SADIE: You are one sick puppy, admit it. And that brings me to:
Frage Nummer fünf (Question #5): If you could commit any verbrechen oder
perverse acto (crime or perverse act) ohne erwischt zu werden oder bestraft
(without getting caught or being punished) was würden Sie tun? (What would you do?)
Note: READERS, what would you do?
HEINER: Mal sehen. Kennst du die Szene aus Stephen King's, The Stand, wo der Typ auf
das Schlagmal im Yankee-Stadion masturbiert?
SADIE: Stephen King and masturbation … two of my favorite subjects.
HEINER: So etwas in der Art könnte ich mir vorstellen. Vielleicht würde ich auch nur auf
den Rasen pinkeln.
SADIE: I think you said, maybe you would masturbate and pee on Yankee Stadium?
HEINER: Ich bin nicht gerade deviant und ziemlich schüchtern in dieser Hinsicht. Aber
wo wir schon einmal dabei sind, Sadie. Zum Schluss verrate ich dir mein liebstes
(deutsches) Synonym für die männliche Selbstbefriedigung: sich einen von der Palme
wedeln. Choke on that, Google Translator!
SADIE: Okay … I used Google Translate, but I really understand is: You’re not shy, and
you like to “wag one of the palm.” And, yeah, I think Google Translate is choking.
This has been an enlightening interview.
Thanks for stopping by today, Heiner. I'll loosen those handcuffs now. Sie sind ein tapferer
And for the rest of you, pick up your FREE COPY of Pulpcore!
July 28, 2014
InQuisition of Michael Robertson
Michael Robertson Jr, author of Transit, broke into my home and is holding me hostage.
While we’re hanging out (little does he know that cocktail I just gave him contains a powerful sedative—I don’t use poison, because it taints the meat), I asked him 5 Questions ... let's see if either of us survive.
|All 4 Episodes, just $2.99|
Sadie: First of all, psycho, how did you break in here?
Michael: Hi Sadie! Thanks for leaving the window in your bedroom unlocked, it slid open with no problem. I climbed right in. Sometimes they stick…
Sadie: Stop yelling, and drink your cocktail. I see you have a killer deal going (the only reason you're still living). You’ve just packaged all four episodes of Transit together, so readers can find them in one place.
Michael: Yes, it’s very cool that Transit is now available as a stand-alone novel. I hope readers will enjoy it and have some fun! More fun than the characters, hopefully! I still feel bad for what I did to some of them.
Sadie: Michael, you're still yelling. Do you have a hearing problem? I'm going to ask you 5 Questions, and your survival depends on how you answer.
Q1: When did you first realize that you weren’t normal? Preschool? Kindergarten? Elementary School? Or have you not figured that out yet? In other words … when were you first drawn to horror?
Michael: When did I realize I wasn’t normal? Wait, is it not normal to smile while the on-screen bad guy slices up the pretty blond girl and wears her ears on a necklace? Hmmm… Interesting. In all honesty I’ve had a fascination with horror and the macabre ever since I was a kid. Even when I couldn’t handle it (sleepless nights with sweat-soaked sheets, where the nightlight was never bright enough and mornings could never come fast enough) I still loved horror films. I don’t know why… It’s just part of me I guess. The same way Nicholas Sparks likes to make at least one of the happy people die and cause all the ladies to cry. Isn’t that abnormal too?
Sadie: Q2: Sounds like you're a masochist. My kind of guy.
Transit begins with the end of a dream vacation and a nightmare ride from the airport. Just wondering how you got the idea for this story … did you get this idea while you were traveling, did you work as a van driver, or are you just deranged?
Michael: You calling me deranged? Pot. Kettle. Black. By the way, whatever’s in the oven smells great.
Sadie: Thanks, a neighbor stopped by earlier.
Michael: Huh ... To answer your question, yes. I did actually get the idea for this book while traveling. In fact, the whole opening scene of Transit is based almost exactly off a trip my wife and I took to the Dominican Republic last fall. The flight got in very late, and it was drizzling and cold. The shuttle stops were mostly deserted, and when ours finally arrived and we climbed in (the only ones in the van), I couldn’t help but think what a vulnerable position we were in, and that we were basically trusting our lives with the stranger up front. Then my gears started turning.
Sadie: So you're married. That's too bad. But, come to think of it, that's never stopped me.
Q3: You are one HELL of a fine writer, and unless a computer chip in English literature has been implanted (at great cost) into your brain, I suspect you’ve been writing for some time. How long have you been writing? What else have you written? And what are you working on now?
Michael: Actually, I do have the chip. I’m a beta tester, so the price was FREE! There are some side-effects though. Last night my wife asked me to call the girls in for dinner and I went outside and accidentally screamed 12 lines from Romeo and Juliet through the neighborhood. My neighbor’s name is Romeo. It was embarrassing.
Sadie: I'm impressed. Can you also recite lines from MacBeth?
(Michael's nodding, but his eyes look a bit bleary.)
Michael: What? Sorry. I feel kind of weird.
Sadie: You are.
I asked, how long have you been writing?
Michael: I’ve been writing semi-seriously to seriously for about the last five or six years. The beginning of that time was working on a novel that will never see the light of day, and after that I’ve released three novels (Including Transit) and a handful of short stories and a collection. Most everything is in the horror and suspense genre. I’m about to start a brand new book, actually. I’m still piecing it together in my head, but it’s going to be more of a mystery, I think, which is something I haven’t tried yet, and am looking forward to.
Hey, is the room starting to spin?
Q4: Who is this guy Dan Dawkins who claims to be writing as you under his name? Are you schizophrenic? Do you suffer from multiple personality disorder. Why do you find it necessary to write under different names and confuse your readers?
Michael: Dan is a bad man who did some very bad things. He confided in me, hoping I would tell his tale, and I did to the best of my abilities.
I’ve actually been asked this question very frequently – Readers wanting to know “Why Dan Dawkins” and “Is Dan a real person?” – So I ended up writing a blog post of my own about why I used the name Dan Dawkins for some of my work. You can read it here
Sadie: So you made up a phony identity to gain sympathy from unsuspecting readers? (You really are a psycho.) Have another cocktail.
Q5: I’m pretty sure you read a lot, because you can write. If you had a chance to torture one of your favorite authors, who would you choose? And what would be the method of torture? (Please describe in detail.)
Michael: I’d bring in Dean Koontz and ask him repeatedly why all his new books can’t be as good as the Odd Thomas series. I’d tie him to a chair in a pitch-black room and make him listen to the audiobook of 50 Shades of Gray over and over… only I’d cut out all the sex scenes.
Sadie: I'm revising what I said before. You are definitely a sadist.
How are you feeling? You look like you're going to pot, which is, of course, legal here in Colorado. Not that I have any, but you're about ready for this pot on my stove.
Michael: I’m starting to feel a little tired, do you mind if I lay do—
Sadie: Not at all. Are you into power tools ... I think he's out.
|DO NOT ACCEPT A RIDE FROM HIM|
If you're still reading this, you're obviously sick, so you'll want to check out more from Michael. Contact him:
InQuistion of Jeroen ten Berge
Jeroen ten Berge designed the cover for Sadie the Sadist.
I wanted the best. Jeroen has designed covers for many well known authors including Blake Crouch and Barry Eisler, so I'm in good (or maybe bad) company.
Jeroen was foolish enough to stop by my blog for an interrogation from Sadie.
Hi Jeroen, how’re you doing? Wait. Don’t answer that, it’s not one of my questions. Zané sent me to this interview, because she knows I like hunky guys.
What’s wrong? Why are you blushing?
Don’t tell me!
Damn. That’s already three questions.
I’ll start over ... You did the cover for Sadie the Sadist (Zané wanted a brilliant cover, so getting you was a no brainer), and when I visited your website Jeroen ten Berge I see you’ve done a lot of covers for a lot of deranged authors. including Blake Crouch (my neighbor), Barry Eisler (I dated him), Christopher Rice (isn’t his mother a vampire?), and Marcus Sakey (true story: when he flew out of this town, he got caught carrying explosives). A lot of guys.
Who, in your opinion, writes the sickest books? And how can I contact him for a date?
Wait, wait, wait ... here’s the rest of the question: describe how you come up with a cover. (That’s really not a question, so will you give me Barry Eisler’s phone number?)
So if you are Blake's neighbor - which I know isn't true - would you've been his inspiration for Lucy? Because she's one psycho bitch Sadie would seriously love to tap. Maybe you and Blake should co-author a story about Lucy and Sadie. Good Girls Gone Bad. Could be sick. Does this answer your question? Because I would say Blake probably tops the list.
Yeah, Blake is a sick puppy. I think he stalks me. BTW, I’m not a liar. Speaking of sick animals and liars, how did you get into creating covers? And what did you do before this?
I was kidding you. I know you’re not a liar – you just have a vivid imagination. Or did Blake move back? I designed book covers before Jeff Bezos sold second hand books from a garage.
I didn’t think you were that old. Have you had plastic surgery?
Ha! Actually. Yes.
Other things came along that sidetracked the book cover designing for a while. My stage name was Happy Hippo. Then one day I read Blake's Desert Places and Locked Doors and sent him an email because I thought his books sucked donkey balls. This was in January 2006. Ever since we have been sending each other hate mails. And we've worked together ever since because we both enjoy pain.
I’d like to hear more about the Happy Hippo thingy. Once I saw a hippo being fed loaves of Wonder Bread at Central Park Zoo in New York City.
Jeroen: Danced for a while to make some extra cash. Think Magic Mike, but with flab. That’s behind me now. As well as the flab!
What’s your favorite food, Jeroen? I like to cook. Want to come over for dinner?
Love to come over for dinner - what's the dress code?
I think you should wear your g-string. But clothing's not a problem. Power tools cut through cloth.
What's your favorite food? (I want to fatten you up.)
Gawd... anything that is made from fresh produce (I know your meat is fresher than anyone's), and prepared with love and attention. Currently I love lamb tagine, a Morroccon dish - a bit like stew. Lots of lamb where I live. Happy in the field, happy on the plate, happy in the hippo. (The views expressed in this interview with Jeroen ten Berge do not necessarily reflect the views of Jeroen ten Berge).
I think hippos are vegetarians. I read online that they eat 88 pounds of grass each night. They must be really out of it.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?
Time travel. You fill in the rest.
You’re kind of lazy, aren’t you? My guess is, you’d like to time travel, so you could get out of work.
I can be lazy, but I just wanted to check whether man did indeed walk with dinosaurs.
I don't think so, Jeroen. But if you time travel, I guess you could be the first.
Have you ever used a larger canvas, and do you want to? What would you paint on the Empire State building?
I have painted on canvasses – how did you know? My largest paintings are 4 by 5 feet. Made two of those. More smaller ones. Will probably have to grow a ginger beard and cut off both ears before I sell any of them. Ha... what a dirty mind you have - we share that trait. Bet you'd think I would say 'penis!'
You’re really quite the mind-reader, Jeroen.
Well, maybe I would paint one, on one side – Simpson’s style. On the opposite side a corn cob to accommodate your fantasies and to balance the yellow penis. On the sides in between a hand gun because I love the aesthetics (not how they are used oftentimes) on one side, and a young deer on the other.
You're very creative. I like this gun arrangement that looks like a snowflake. Inspired by Blake Crouch's story, Abandon.
And you seem to be obsessed with penises and corn. No wonder we get along.
HEY! Where you going? Come back.
March 27, 2014
InQuistion of Barbara Silkstone
|Wanted for Murder|
Barbara Silkstone, Author of the Wendy Darlin' Tomb Raider series
and the recently released Miami Mummies comedic mystery,
is brave enough to be the first victim of a 5 Question InQuisition with Sadie the Sadist. (Luckily for Barbara and other guests, I always stand by, in case Sadie goes berserk.)
Silkstone's writing has been described as "perfectly paced and pitched - shades of Janet Evanovich and Carl Hiaasen without seeming remotely derivative. Fast moving action that shoots from the hip with bullet-proof characterization."
Personally, I would say, Silkstone's writing is hilarious and deranged. Non-stop adventures with plenty of bawdy sex ... the woman is NOT a prude.
Here's what she has to say:
Sadie: Miami Mummies is the fourth book in the Wendy Darlin Tomb Raider series, preceded by Wendy and the Lost Boys, London Broil, and Cairo Caper. Obviously, you’re hung up on this Wendy chick, and you’re trying to work out some deep-seated psychological issues … WHAT? Lost boys? Necrophilia? How are you like Wendy Darlin? Have you worked in real estate? Been a tomb raider?
Barbara: Sadie, you must be psychic ...
Sadie: Yeah. I'm a lefty. So you're into dead guys?
Barbara: Yes, I am a practicing necrophiliac, but I was raised Catholic. In my spare time I find lost boys.
Sadie: Me too!
Barbara: The hobbies are not related. Wendy Darlin is my alter-ego, but unlike me she was lucky enough to meet renowned archaeologist Professor Roger Jolley, who bears a striking resemblance to Johnny Depp. She joins him in his quests to steal-back stolen antiquities from the like of Ponzi-kings and Russian oligarchs. Between ducking gunshots and canoodling, they are the perfect, bickering couple.
Wendy’s adventures force her to face her three major phobias: heights, fear of getting her face wet, and holes in fabric.
Sadie: Holes in fabric freak me out. No wonder you're a necrophiliac.
I noticed the characters in Miami Mummies have names like Alfred Hiccup, Tippy Henman, Gary Grant, and Stewart James. So you're obviously a Hitchcock fan. That guy was sick, huh? If you could be in a Hitchcock film, which one would it be--and what character would you play?
Barbara: If I could be in any Hitchcock film which one would it be?
Yikes… that’s a tough question. Definitely not The Birds. I suppose I could hide behind the bathroom door and grab Norman Bates before he ginsu’s Janet Leigh in Psycho, but that’s taking a big chance. Crazy makes for a pretty strong opponent, but I’m probably not strong enough to bring down a dude wearing his mother’s dress.
Sadie: Yeah, Norman Bates is awesome. Personally, I idolize the guy. But you don't seem like his type.
Barbara: Mr. & Mrs. Smith fits me best. I love screwball comedies and I’m pretty good at portraying slinky blondes.
Sadie: Stinky blondes ... I could see that.
Barbara: Not stinky… slinky.
Sadie: Depends on how long they've been dead. So, how do you think the legendary movie master would respond to the name Alfred Hiccup?
Barbara: He’d be pissed.
Sadie: Probably feed you to the birds. If you're like me, you spend a lot of time thinking about murder. What's your preferred method and what do you like about it?
Barbara: Again with the interesting questions! I’m not a big fan of the gunshot knockoff. Boring. I like surprise hits. I’ve used Polonium 210 – radioactive poisoning, flattened by a giant manta ray, run over by a bus in the desert, and drowned in an embalming pool. I mean if you’re going to knock a character off, make it memorable for the reader and the character.
Sadie: Very creative! You're giving me some great ideas.
I meet a lot of my victims on dates. You're kind of an expert on men and dating, aren't you? You wrote a cool book called The Adventures of a Love Investigator (Relationships, Love, Dating), and you did a lot of research for that book, including interviewing … how many men? Did you get any good dates out of that experience? Any decent dinners? Indecent sexual experiences? Tell. Tell. Tell.
Barbara: Oh Sadie, you would ask about The Adventures of a Love Investigator. That book was so NOT about finding a date. I had this crazy idea that I could privately and personally interview one thousand men about women, relationships, dating, and commitment. I took a year off from my real estate career and traveled the country going into strange men’s caves. I had no idea men would open up to me like they did. My time-budget allowed for two or three men per day. Six years later I was still listening to men blather on. I finally called it to a halt after I had two melt-downs. Way too much information. The final tally was 527 men. Not one hit on me as I had laid down some firm rules before I took them on. This was not about dating. They could tell me anything and everything they ever wanted to share with a woman. I would not use their real names, and disguise their identities. And I pinky-swore never to tell their wives what they said.
Sadie: 527 men. I could really go for that. Okay, here's my last question: if money were no object, what would you do next?
Barbara: I would transmigrate (like Alfred Hiccup does in Miami Mummies) into Angelina Jolie, without Brad and the kids. I would then take on the identity of Lara Croft and kick some serious butt and not worry about scraping my knees.
Sadie: Awesome! Thanks for stopping by, Barbara. Maybe, sometime soon, we could team up or something. Think of the damage we could do.
Meanwhile, check out Barbara Silkstone's books. She makes murder fun! And check out her blog Barb's Wire - eBooks & More.