Thursday, December 3, 2015

Dealing with Difficult Relatives -- Creative Holiday Ideas from Sadie the Sadist

If you're like me, no doubt you're thinking ... here it comes again, the dreaded Holiday Season. 

Fa-la-la-la-la-la F That! 

Gathering of Psychopaths

Sadie the Sadist is here to tell you how to make the most of all those pesky relatives and knock some check marks off your list.

There's a reason they're called BLOOD relatives, so re-frame your thinking: Instead of giving those annoying asshats gifts (spending your hard-earned money and waiting for no thanks), after reading this article, chance are you'll look forward to family gatherings. 

Ideas from Sadie the Sadist
 to Jumpstart 

YOUR Creativity

Aunt Betty: Maybe your aunt isn't named Betty, but we all know the type--not only is she opinionated, but she sticks her nose into everybody's business. Basically, Betty is a gossip and a snoop.

The perfect gift for Betty ... (Hint: big mouths have lots of teeth) You got it, Ivory. Sure, elephants are an endangered species, and anyone who takes their tusks deserves to be drawn and quartered or thrown into a vat of boiling oil, but Aunt Betties abound, providing a prolific and cheap source of ivory. 

Note: If you use violence to knock out Aunt Betty, stay clear of her head; you don't want to damage the merchandise. I recommend using the method Oral surgeons use for impacted Wisdom teeth: knock her out with drugs before extraction.

While you're inside the old broad's pie hole (cock pocket, gob, skull cave) yank out her tongue. (Correctly prepared, tongue is tender and tasty.)

A Lovely Necklace

Cousin Dick: Maybe you don't see Dick very often, but when you do he leaves a big impression. If Dick doesn't have you cornered in the kitchen, he's down the hall patrolling the bathroom, or even worse, playing hide-and-seek with the kiddos. Dick is never gonna change, but he makes a handy-dandy purse for all his cash. 

Gilded for the Holidays

Sister Selfie: Plain annoying. Sister Selfie can't be parted from her phone, and the camera's glued to her duck face, capturing every moment of her useless existence. The world will thank you for saving us from endless Facebook posts when you kill her.